


Sit. Stay. Roll over.

by lifelesslyndsey



Series: How To Teach An Old Dog New Tricks [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Darcy gets around too, Everybody gets around, F/M, How To Teach An Old Dogs New Tricks, Lots of UST, Multi, Pepper Potts is kind of evil, SHIP DARCY WITH ALL THE THINGS, Slowbuilding, This story will be in parts, Tony gets around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-11
Packaged: 2017-12-19 04:24:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifelesslyndsey/pseuds/lifelesslyndsey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Barely legal, under educated, college dropout SHILED grunt with a penchant for older men and reckless behavior, who is obviously too hot for you to include pictures of in her file?” Tony snaps the folder shut with a grin. “When can she start?” </p><p>Pepper Potts has some very big plans for Darcy Lewis.</p><p> </p><p>*note, not all tags are relevant to this portion of the story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sit. Stay. Roll over.

**Author's Note:**

> Currently Unbeta'd. All mistakes are mine. Will be an on-going series, posted in both one-shot and multiple story form. Should post in relatively correct time-line, unless otherwise marked. This is my first story in this fandom, and I'm SO EXCITE.

  
**Sit. Stay. Roll Over.**

Or

Darcy Lewis’s Guide To Teaching An Old Dog New Tricks.

(Or Tony’s Tale of Being Bested at His Own Game)

  
(Also, Pepper Pots: Matchmaker)

by lifelesslyndsey

 

Pepper and he were having their bi-monthly dinner when he first heard word of SHIELD’s newest minion. “I met the most darling girl this week while lunching with Phil,” Pepper plucked a spring roll from their shared plate. “She’d make a fantastic addition to Stark Industries.  She managed Doctor Foster, so she has experience with the very specific eccentricity of scientists, and she’s worked with Thor, so she understands the even more specific eccentricities of superheroes. She’ll go to waste in SHIELD’s grunt filled dungeons.” She slid a slim file across the table, the words DARCY LEWIS stamped across the front in bold 24 point font. It looked as if it had been lifted straight from said grunt dungeons. Tony wouldn't put it past Pepper. A lot more could fit in those sleek power suits, than one might assume. 

 

“Head hunting, Pep? How positively ruthless of you.” He pulled the folder across the table with a single fingertip and flicked it open. “A fine quality in a CEO. There are no pictures in here, how am I suppose to decide if I like her or not? I need pictures before I hire her. Natalie had pictures.”

 

“And look how well that panned out! You could actually read the file,” Pepper argued mildly, as she picked at her pad thai. “Choose her based on her skills and abilities. And she isn’t for you.  You don’t need an assistant; you need a zoo keeper. However, I am actually in search of someone to oversee my basic day-to-day duties, while I'm over seas, or otherwise busy.”

 

Tony blinked at her, and then looked down at the file. “She’s hot, isn’t she? That’s why there’s no pictures.” He scanned the fine print. “You think you’re being sneaky, but you’re not. Woah,you’re robbing the college cradle there Pep. What is she? Twenty-two?”

 

“Twenty one actually, and a college dropout,” Pepper corrected. “Political Science. Cute, right? Keep reading.”

 

Tony read. When Pepper tells him to do something, it’s usually better that he does. Like the time she told him to go fuck himself when they tried that whole dating thing. That worked out quite well; they’re legitimately friends now. “She tased Thor?”  There’s more. The file might be thin, but it packed a punch. “Two years working as a SHIELD grunt, trained personally with Natasha Romonov, Clint Barton, Maria Hill, and Agent Coulson.” He lets that resonate a bit. Either she’s a natural born bad ass, or she’s made some very good friends. Either way, Tony respects. “It says here she ‘potentially fraternized with a senior SHIELD Agent _Name Redacted_. ” He looked up at Pepper, frowning. “What a terrible name to saddle a kid with. Evidence insufficient. SHIELD couldn’t dig up enough dirt to get it in writing? SHIELD with their assasins and tourture chambers and terrible coffee?”

 

Pepper's mouth spread into a close-lipped grin. “I did some digging of my own. Apparently she was spotted wearing Phill’s neck tie like a _belt_ , but Coulson wouldn’t sing. Went so far as to claim he wore women's panties on occasion, when a pair fell out of his pocket during a debriefing. From what I gather, Clint hasn't stopped with the debreifing jokes, and it's been over a month. It caused quite the scandal.”

  
  


Tony blinks because _what_? Yeah no, he can’t think about Agent Coulson getting down and dirty. It’s not right. And frankly this Phil thing needs to end. His first name is Agent. “...It says here she speaks fluent Spanish, French and....Yiddish?”

 

“According to Phil, she has an apptitute for talking? He didn't extrapolate. Agent Romanov has been teaching her Russian as well, and Clint has her half-fluent in American sign-language.  If we hire her, I'd like her to take some Japanese, and maybe Mandrin Chinese. Stark Industries is all about diversity,” Pepper replied, sipping on her horrible microbrewed beer. “So, what do you think?”

  
  


“Barely legal, under educated, college dropout SHILED grunt with a penchant for older men and reckless behavior, who is obviously too hot for you to include pictures?” He snapped the file shut with a grin. “When can she start?”

  
  


*

 

Pepper had spewed a bunch of crap about what exactly her new assistant’s job was, but honestly Tony wasn’t listening.  Something about home base interoffice liaison. He’s not sure. He signed the paperwork, that was good enough. He doesn’t even really think on the kid for a good few weeks. Apparently Pepper had the girl under a pretty rigorous training period, which he did not doubt involved some intensive retail therapy with the company card.  Also maybe a mandatory pedicure, and dressing down a foriegn dignitary. Pepper's schedule baffled him. 

 

It wasn’t until he came to his lab at ten o’clock at night, to find a pair of legs dangling over the back of his couch, and Jet’s _Cold Hard Bitch_ blaring from the speakers.  They’re nice legs, curvy and wrapped up in skinny hipster denim, finished with a pair of ratty sneakers that had certainly seen better days. Tony wanted to build a mop-bot just to follow those terrible shoes around. 

‘Cold hard Bitch  
 Just a kiss on the lips,

and I was on my knees  
Waiting, give me---’

 

“Jarvis, reduce sound fifty percent,” Tony bellowed over the chorus. “Terribly sorry to slam your jam Hipster Pants,  but who are you? And how did you get into my office,” he asked the legs.  Butterfingers twittered and cooed from the corner, chirping his curiosity as Tony approached the couch. 

 

The legs disappeared in an impressive roll, and a girl popped up into a stand, brushing the hair from her face. She was..not what Tony was expecting. Short. Brunette. Seriously stacked. Not Oscar Movie Beautiful (like Pepper in all her well-aged, straweberry blonde glory), but pretty in an Indie Movie way, with a gap between her teeth and big blue eyes, that makes her look relatable and trustworthy; Tony was instantly wary. Girls like that, those next-door types, they’re _trouble_.

 

“Fear my clearance, attractive Daddy Warbucks,” she said easily, pushing her hair from her face. “I’m Darcy Lewis, Pepper Potts new assistant, and you are like super duper late, Mister.” She shrugs. “Not that I mind; getting paid to crash in your lab and rock out to Jet is pretty bitchin’, but I could have had plans, yanno?”

 

“Like boning senior field Agents?” Tony asked because what the fuck is going on here. This? This is Peppers new assistant? The girl was wearing filthy mismatched converses for fucks sake. There was no way Pepper hired this girl as an assistant.  Pepper was Prada, she was Louibaton. This girl looked like she'd be better suited behind a Starbucks counter, with paintbrushes in her hair and a dimebag of weed hidden in her admittedly impressive clevage. 

 

Darcy Lewis grinned, gap-toothed and sharp. “If the mood strikes,Mr. Stark. Alright, so we’re about four hours behind but luckily your evening schedule was pretty light.  Give me half an hour of Hancocking, dinner, and a shower and I’ll put your ass to bed with a gold star, double promise, pinky swear.”

 

Whatever language she was speaking, it isn’t one listed on her file. “I’m sorry, but I was under the impression you were Pepper’s assistant.”

 

“No need to be sorry,” Lewis replied, gathering an alarmingly impressive stack of paper work from the end table. “And I am. But, as is stated in the Stark Industries Business Plan, Pepper Potts is the CEO of this here glorious enterprise, while Tony Stark, majority shareholder, is listed as Head of Research and Development. Think Highschool Hierarchy, but on a more expensive level and with better dental. Now, what do you want to do first? Eat, shower, or sign these papers? I’m flexible.”

 

“Jesus Christ,” Tony said, once he realized what’s happened. Pepper is evil. “You don’t work for me.”

 

“I work for Stark Industries,” she said sweetly. “Just like you.”

 

Tony blinked at her, horror dawning in his mind. Pepper Potts is evil, and the mini Pepper in the terrible shoes was no better. Tony was fucked. “I work in Research and Development.” After handing the reins over to Pepper, the board wasn’t happy with him simply owning the place. That didn’t sell stocks, and since their withdrawal from the arms business, they needed all the help they could get.  They wanted his name on Research and Development, and nothing short would appease them. For all intents and purposes, Tony worked for Research and Development.

 

“And I work for Pepper Potts,” Lewis finished for him, and her eyes werelaughing at his terrible man pain, if her mouth wasn't. “CEO of Stark Industries. Bossman of all. Head Bitch  In Charge, if you will." 

 

“Making you my superior,” Tony dropped down onto the couch. “Pepper Potts is evil.”

 

She flopped down beside him, and splayed the paper work across the coffee table. “I have a red pen I found on the ground in the hallway, and a glittery Hulk pen I bought at the dollar store. Which do you want?”

 

He took the green glitter pen of course. “I don’t actually have to listen to you. The R and D schitck is just that; schtick. It's just to sell stock.”

 

“Puh-lease. We both know you'd have all your fingers in the research pots, whether your name was on the plaque or not. Dum-E, could you come here a minute,” Darcy said, not looking up from where she’s overseeing his signatures, marking each lines with a pink star sticker. “Insubordinate Subsection Seven. Protocol over ride code, P-E-P. What do we do when Tony won’t listen to Bossman Lewis?”

 

Tony found himself suddenly at the end of something that was decidedly _not_ a fire extinguisher. It looked a little bit like a water gun. But...meaner. And possibly hissing. Although that could have been Dum-E himself. Tony needed to check his hydrolic lifts.  “What the hell is in that?”

 

“It’s not water,” Darcy handed him another paper. “Natasha gave it to me. She uses it to crack particularly difficult offenders. It smells like pickles and can burn through clothes. Sign here please.”

 

Good God, the girl was _friends_ with not-Natalie, the nut-busting assistant turned assassin. That wouldn’t bode well.

 

Dum-E made a whirring noise, pincers clenching the little gun in a way that made Tony very nervous. “Stand down Dum Dum." But the robot didn't listen, just danced in place, whirring and clicking rapidly. “Lewis. Did you reprogram my robots?”

 

She pushed her glasses up her nose, as she pressed another pink sticker where he needed to sign. “Of course not, I can barely program the clock on my coffee pot. I showed Jarvis my boobs and he did it for me.”

 

“Jarvis!” Tony called out to the ceiling, betrayed. “Boobs, really? You’re going Skynet on me over hipster boobs?”

 

“Sir _did_ program me partially in his likeness, and to act as such accordingly,” Jarvis reminded him mildly.  Damn the AI, but it was true. Tony had programmed him to replicate his own decisions, based on collected data, protocol, and drunkenly programmed subordinates. Tony liked boobs; Jarvis liked boobs.. “After cross referencing the database and dormant codes, I concluded that presented with the same situation, sir would have done the same. ” Possibly more for less, all things considered.

 

“Good to know,” Lewis commented from beside him and Tony didn’t miss that the top two buttons of her shirt were now undone. It was a precocious move. Her bra is lime green and just as ridiculous as her. Tony might have had a boner, but he’d always been a power fucker so whatever. Darcy Lewis was _bossy_. “You missed a line here. Stand down Dum Dum, I’ve got this.”

 

“Evil,” Tony said again, leaning forward to sign the damn paper and also camoflauge his traitorous semi.  “All the women in my life are evil.”

 

“If you think I’m evil now, wait until you see what Butterfingers does when you refuse to eat.”

  
  
  
If later that eveningTony refused to eat, just to see what Butterfingers would do, he’ll never do it again. The _pincers_.

**Author's Note:**

> This story will post as a series. Some of the parts will be chaptered, and it will all post in order. Slow Build! Seriously, they might take a bit to get their shit together. They're both dicks too, by the way. That's a warning, if you needed it. Yes, even Darcy at times. Also, lots of outside pairings. TonyxPeople. DarcyxPeople.


End file.
